Christmas Song Moratorium List
Before you start calling me Scrooge, let me defend myself by saying that I like Christmas, and I even like Christmas music. But after 30-odd years on this planet, there are a few Christmas songs that I loathe. And I mean, fingernails on the chalkboard, will walk out of a store if they start playing loathe. If there is a hell, and if I go there, these five songs will be the holiday soundtrack.
1. Feliz Navidad
I am all for multiculturalism and learning foreign languages through catchy pop music but in what universe is this song necessary? It reminds me of the time I was stuck on a bus in Mexico with a really bad mariachi band blaring in my ear for an hour. Only it’s about Christmas. And there is no bus I can get off of to escape it.
2. Santa Baby
Santa is many things, and he has brought much joy into my life. But there are a few things that Santa decidedly is NOT. And sexy is one of them. Santa isn’t into sex. He is too busy making toys, OK? Stop throwing yourself at him. And let’s not even get started deconstructing the “woman seduces man in order to get expensive gifts from him” subtext happening here.
3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause
See commentary for song 2, above.
4. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
This song is seriously deranged. I have a pretty perverse sense of humor and there is just nothing funny about Grandma getting killed by Santa on Christmas Eve.
5. Jingle Bell Rock
I can’t tell you how many times I had to sit through a rendition of this song, accompanied by aggressive jazz hands, during high school swing choir concerts. (This one has been on the moratorium list for more years than I’d like to admit.)
